Know the techniques and tools To use on a theoretical level it seems quite simple, the difficulty appears when the mediator wants to use these techniques and does not find a way to apply them or is not able to visualize their usefulness at the right moment.
To facilitate the conversion of a poorly made speech by one of the parties in conflict to a speech that consciously displays the same information in a more aseptical way, every mediation professional must practice.
Practical application
For this reason, this article collects examples of practical application that allow us to visualize how a speech is modified through the use of techniques, making it free of negative connotations, avoiding personal attacks, reducing the aggressiveness of the messages and focusing the speech on concrete things.
I give you a phrase said by one of the parties and how the mediator modifies the speech with the use of strategies, making communication more effective.
My husband is a jerk, he does things like going to his mother's house at dawn to change her diaper. He has it mastered, he could wait for the next day.
Reframe-This shows great sensitivity on the part of a son to his mother, I understand that in this case you express your discomfort due to the late hour.
It seems incredible that with the body that my daughter already has, who is a woman, she still has a very childish attitude. And the thing is that she is 13 years old and at the age of 13, the other one was much more responsible.
Recontextualization-Your daughter is in a transition stage in which she will little by little develop a more mature attitude. Adolescence is that step from childhood to adulthood and not everyone goes through it at the same speed.
I can't pick up the kids from school because I leave work late, although I actually have the entire afternoon free afterwards. I leave work at three in the afternoon and I won't come back, but the school is not close to my work and it would take a long time to get there. He can't either because, although the school is close by, he works mornings and afternoons, he leaves around six so he won't take the children to work until I arrive.
Summary- If I understand correctly, you both have difficulties picking up your children from school. That is an important issue that we will have to address.
My son is the strangest thing, he's on his cell phone all day and it's something I don't understand. We only pick up our cell phone when we have to call or receive a call, but he is on the internet all the time with his cell phone, in the mail, on social networks. I think he's addicted or something, or he's going to go crazy. None of his brothers have done that and this one is firmly hooked.
Normalization- Keep in mind that we are talking about a different generation and that today it is common to use new technologies as another tool, both on a social level with the peer group, and on an educational level. It is very common for families with teenage children to go to mediation where the main conflict is the excessive or inappropriate use of these devices. If this is your case and this causes you discomfort, we can discuss this issue so that you can agree on some rules of use.
For you there is always something more important to do than being with your children, what's happening? Do you already have a boyfriend? Your boyfriend doesn't like your children, is that it? Because I'm still alone and I want to spend as much time as possible with my children, only you always ruin my plans.
Depersonalization- The disagreement I see is in relation to visiting hours and the time you spend with your children. Do you think we should delve into this topic, what schedule do your children have?
My partner asks me to go to the beach, but I can't go this summer because I'm there and I'm suffering a lot. I suffer because I'm not with my children, even if I don't have to be with them I prefer to stay in the city and that way if something happens I'm close, I suffer less, even if I lose my vacation. And besides, I can't think of anything to control them from so far away, because I don't know how to be on vacation and enjoying myself without my children.
Dedramatization- Well, there are some great surveillance cameras (jokingly to relax the tension). Now seriously, it is an issue that we must value because it really limits your relationship as a couple. You have your children for half the summer, but if the time you are not with them coincides with your partner's vacation, the situation becomes complicated and affects you greatly.
He doesn't take responsibility for anything, he doesn't help. So he doesn't care, it's the worst. I am alone in this battle with the children and I have no one because he is irresponsible.
Paraphrasing- You think that he could have helped you more and you would like to receive more support regarding your children.
This is a disaster, there is no way to understand her, she refuses to negotiate. She lets them do anything because she says she wants them to be free and learn, she doesn't perceive the danger and I have to be setting rules all the time. I'm the bad guy in the movie, but a lot of things happen out there.
Neutral language- It is evident that you have different ways of seeing and educating your children, but you both want the best for them, that is why you are here.
I want them to go out, but they come back late and many things can happen. Boys at their age do a lot of atrocities, I see them on Monday morning when I go to work, some of them driving anyway. It is very risky for him to go out because he lives far away and goes by car, I trust him, but not others.
Active listening- I understand that what worries you most is that he will have an accident.
Yes, I am going to comply with what I have said, but it is not going to work (he says yes, but shakes his head in the negative and crosses his arms)
Attention and observation- You say yes but I don't seem very convinced, what is worrying you?
My daughter dresses in a way that makes me ashamed, she is a dog. I don't care how the others go, but she can't go like that.
Empathy- Try to put yourself in their situation, if you wanted to belong to a group you would try to identify with them. You would probably dress and act the same as them.
He is always organizing parties, I like parties too, but when there are exams I have to study. He doesn't think about anyone, from now on I'm going to make noise too, when he has to study.
Assertiveness- You understand why he wants to organize parties, but you think he should consider exam time. Studying with noise around you bothers you and makes you feel bad.
