Mediation as an essential tool to resolve those needs that we do not dare to verbalize openly
The first human response to a dispute is usually to blame the other person to justify our belligerent or uncooperative attitudes. Does this help us solve the problem? Of course not, on the contrary, the conflict tends to escalate. However, our mind is designed this way and, among our defense mechanisms to avoid feeling bad about mistakes, oversights or wrong decisions, there is first blaming others and then, perhaps, reflecting on our share of responsibility. and learn.
It is at this point where I want to highlight an advantage of mediation that comes from the professional, the mediator. When referring to the benefits of mediation, we normally talk about agility, a lower economic cost than that of the judicial process, the possibility of taking control of the negotiation instead of bequeathing it to a partial third party, flexibility, creativity or learning opportunity, among others. On this occasion I also want to highlight and delve deeper into a value that the mediating figure adds through the exercise of its management: the possibility of helping the parties to include in the negotiation those needs and motivations that they do not wish to make explicit compared to the other part, but that does not mean they are irrelevant.
I have proven that, when people who have been blaming themselves for a long time come to mediation, no matter how much they have started this process voluntarily and want to resolve the conflict, emotional and cognitive blockages are present. As mediators, we have to consider this and expect that, possibly, the opposing parties are not going to expose their intrinsic motivations for the conflict at first, either because they do not risk having a bad time or because, at that moment, they simply cannot perceive the relevance or pertinence of including these more intimate reasons within the negotiation.
These reasons may be, for example, the desire to have greater autonomy within a personal or professional relationship, the interest in having control over a situation, the need for a sense of direction or goal, receiving understanding, recognition, feeling acceptance, inclusion, etc As conflict managers, Identifying these needs and integrating them subtly into the negotiation greatly helps opposing people adopt collaborative attitudes.. When we get the parties in conflict to perceive that reaching an agreement will allow them to satisfy these needs, it is easier for them to make concessions on tangible issues and transcend their initial positions to negotiate new and creative alternative agreements.
This must be done with subtlety, since it is not about the person becoming aware during the mediation process of their lack of perspective. It is desirable that you do so, but many times it is not possible. In any case, it is not necessary to build agreements. As mediators, it is not our place to make judgments about the parties' learning rate; our job is to facilitate, through questions, that these people, by themselves, imagine scenarios in which, indeed, their intrinsic needs can be satisfied. We guide the future and facilitate this contextualization, but only they can decide on the deadlines and rhythms to be agreed upon.
Thanks to the intervention of the mediator, it is possible to separate the person from the problem. From impartiality it is possible to analyze the conflict from a broader perspective than that seen by the parties involved and work on the attitude and meaning that they are giving to their opposing positions. From impartiality, the individual learning process of those involved is observed with perspective and managed. This allows us to help our clients say things to each other in a way that makes them more meaningful in the eyes of the other party, allows translate reproaches into requests, and also allows orienting the mediating questions so that the solutions and proposals generated by the participants include their intrinsic motivations without the need for them to explicitly bring them to the fore.
For example, a parent may want to decide on more aspects related to the care of their children, but doubt their ability to do so adequately. We will help you include the needs of the other party - in this case, the other parent - within sustainable, responsible proposals raised without reproach. We will facilitate the “how” and they, the protagonists, will always decide on the “what”. The same can happen between siblings who have to organize themselves to care for their parents or between members of a community or a work team who have to agree on new strategies to make decisions.
Without the help of the mediation professional, these people cannot do this rethinking, at least not at a time when they have already negotiated on these points and have failed, and their abilities to communicate assertively and be creative are diminished. , with emotions on the surface. However, considering their intrinsic and emotional needs within the negotiation is essential to achieve good results, whatever the field, since we are always talking about conflicts between people, human beings.
Definitely, One value that the mediator brings to the management of a conflict is the help to build agreements that will be developed in contexts that allow, perhaps in the future, the satisfaction of the intrinsic motives of the parties.. It is enough for this potential to have a place within the possible agreement so that the commitment to it makes sense for the opposing parties and its compliance is sustainable.
Do you want to dedicate yourself professionally to mediation and add value to the management of any type of conflict? The first step is in training. We invite you to learn about our Master in Mediation and Multidisciplinary Conflict Management.
