When we talk about gender-based violence, we often think of adult relationships, long-term cohabitation, marriages, or complex family situations. However, gender-based violence can also appear in early romantic relationships, in those first romantic partnerships formed during adolescence, which, precisely because they are the first, have a tremendous influence on how boys and girls learn to relate to others, to love, and to be loved.
Adolescence is a stage of discovery. It's a time when young people begin to experience desire, intimacy, attraction, the need to belong, the search for identity, and the construction of their own image in the eyes of others. In this context, first romantic relationships can be experienced with great intensity. Everything seems definitive, urgent, absolute. An unanswered message can generate anxiety, an argument can feel like the end of the world, and a show of attention can easily be mistaken for a declaration of love.
The problem arises when that emotional intensity is mixed with misconceptions about love. When jealousy is interpreted as a sign of interest. When control is mistaken for care. When possessiveness is experienced as a form of commitment. When a teenage girl comes to believe that her partner controls her because he loves her so much, or when a boy understands that having a girlfriend means having the right to decide who she talks to, how she dresses, where she is, or what she posts online.
Gender-based violence in teenage relationships doesn't usually begin with obvious physical aggression. It generally starts more subtly, almost imperceptibly, through small comments, demands, anger, reproaches, or emotional blackmail that gradually limit the girl's freedom. At first, they may seem like "couple stuff," normal arguments, or signs of insecurity. But when these behaviors are repeated, generating fear, guilt, or a loss of autonomy, they cease to be typical relationship conflicts and become part of a dynamic of violence.
Romantic love as a risky terrain
One of the factors that most contributes to the normalization of violence in teenage relationships is the persistence of certain myths about romantic love. Although society has made significant progress in the discourse on equality, deeply damaging ideas about what it means to love still circulate. Many films, songs, television series, social media posts, and everyday stories continue to convey that to love is to suffer, that jealousy is inevitable, that a true relationship must be extremely exclusive, or that the partner must be all-consuming.
In adolescence, these ideas can have a particularly strong impact. The need to be chosen, the fear of rejection, and peer pressure lead some girls to accept behaviors that make them uncomfortable because they believe they are part of a normal relationship. Sometimes, a "real" couple is interpreted as needing to respond quickly to messages, share passwords, tell absolutely everything, give up certain friendships, or always prioritize the other person above any other relationship.
This view of love doesn't teach freedom, but dependence. It doesn't teach how to build healthy relationships, but rather relationships based on possession. Instead of understanding a couple as a space of mutual care, respect, and growth, it becomes a space where one person watches and the other adapts to avoid conflict.
A healthy relationship doesn't require you to disappear as a person. It doesn't force you to abandon friendships, change the way you dress, stop doing activities, hide your opinions, or live constantly worried about bothering others. Love shouldn't generate fear. Nor should it make a teenager feel like she has to ask permission to be herself.
That's why it's so important to work with teenagers on a clear idea: loving someone doesn't give you the right to control their life. Love isn't about possessing. Love isn't about monitoring. Love isn't about making decisions for the other person. A loving relationship can be intense, exciting, and meaningful while still remaining respectful.
The most frequent forms of control
In teenage relationships, gender-based violence often manifests itself through forms of control that may initially go unnoticed. It doesn't always involve shouting, insults, or physical aggression. Often, control is disguised as concern. "I'm telling you this for your own good." "I don't like you hanging out with those people." "If you loved me, you wouldn't do that." "You don't need to go out, just stay and talk to me." "Send me a picture so I know where you are." "Show me your phone if you have nothing to hide.".
These phrases may seem isolated, but when they become a recurring pattern, they create an unequal relationship. The girl begins to modify her behavior to avoid anger. She stops posting certain photos, replies more quickly, distances herself from some friends, changes her style of dress, or avoids plans she used to enjoy. Little by little, her world shrinks.
Digital control has intensified this problem. Before, a person could monitor their partner in specific physical spaces. Now, that control can be constant. Social media, instant messaging, geolocation, and the need to be always available have opened up new forms of surveillance. Knowing if someone is online, if they've read a message, who they've followed, who has liked their posts, or where they are can become a constant source of pressure.
In many teenage relationships, there's a demand for immediate availability. Not responding within minutes can lead to arguments, accusations, or suspicion. Other behaviors include checking your phone, demanding passwords, or insisting on deleting contacts. These aren't signs of trust; quite the opposite, they reflect a relationship built on suspicion and control.
Another worrying aspect is the control over their image. Some teenage girls receive comments about how they should dress, what photos they can post, or what parts of their body they can show. Their partner might criticize a skirt, a neckline, a pose, a photograph, or even their makeup. The girl may end up internalizing that she must adapt her image to avoid conflict, as if her body or her public presence also belonged to her partner.
Violence can also occur in the sexual sphere. In some relationships, there is pressure to have sex, send intimate images, or engage in practices the girl does not want. Sometimes this pressure is exerted through emotional blackmail: "If you loved me, you would do it," "All couples do it," "If you don't want to, it's because you don't like me," "If you don't send me a picture, it's because you don't trust me." This type of coercion is especially serious because it affects the freedom, privacy, and dignity of the adolescent.
When the victim does not recognize themselves as a victim
One of the biggest challenges in detecting gender-based violence in adolescence is that many girls don't recognize what they're experiencing as violence. They may feel bad, overwhelmed, sad, or guilty, but they don't necessarily interpret the relationship as abusive. This happens for several reasons.
First, because there is a very limited understanding of violence. Many teenage girls associate violence only with hitting, serious threats, or visible aggression. If there is no physical violence, they may think that "it's not that bad." However, psychological violence, control, humiliation, isolation, and emotional pressure are also forms of violence, even if they don't leave physical marks.
Secondly, because the relationship often has positive moments. The boy might be affectionate, apologize, promise to change, show vulnerability, or alternate between controlling behavior and displays of affection. This alternation creates confusion. The teenager might think that the good parts of the relationship outweigh the painful ones, or that if she acts differently, she can avoid conflict.
Third, because guilt plays a central role. In abusive relationships, the victim often ends up feeling responsible for what happens. She believes that if she had responded sooner, if she hadn't gone out, if she hadn't posted that photo, or if she hadn't spoken to a certain person, the argument wouldn't have occurred. The abuser shifts the responsibility onto her and makes her believe that her behavior justifies the control.
Furthermore, peer pressure carries significant weight during adolescence. Sometimes the relationship is embedded within a circle of friends, at school, on social media, or in shared spaces. Ending the relationship can mean exposure to rumors, loss of friends, social pressure, or fear of being judged. There may also be fear of being alone, of not being believed, or of having what happened minimized.
That's why it's not enough to simply tell a teenager "leave it" or "that's not good for you." From the outside, it might seem obvious, but from the inside, the situation is usually much more complex. Adult intervention should begin with understanding, not reproach. If the girl feels judged, she'll likely withdraw. If she feels heard, she can begin to put words to what she's experiencing.
Warning signs that should concern us
Detecting gender-based violence in teenage relationships requires looking beyond the obvious incidents. Sometimes the signs appear in small changes in behavior. A teenager who previously participated in activities begins to isolate herself. A girl who stops seeing her friends. Abrupt changes in her style of dress. Constant anxiety about responding to messages. Fear of upsetting her partner. Loss of spontaneity. Continuous justification of the other person's behavior. Decline in academic performance. Irritability, sadness, or a feeling of emotional exhaustion.
A gradual loss of autonomy may also be observed. The teenager consults her partner about everything, avoids making decisions without him, or seems to need his approval for everyday plans. She may appear tense when receiving messages, hide arguments, downplay humiliating comments, or defend her partner even when she feels bad.
Sometimes, friends notice something is wrong before the victim herself. They see how she changes, how she stops being herself, how she withdraws, or how she's constantly on her phone. However, they don't always know how to react. They might pressure her to end the relationship, get angry with her for going back to her partner, or distance themselves out of frustration. While these reactions are understandable, they can increase the girl's isolation.
Adults should also pay attention to phrases that normalize control. Expressions like “he’s very jealous because he loves me,” “he doesn’t like me going out with my friends,” “he’d rather I didn’t post photos,” “he gets angry if I take too long to reply,” or “he asked for my password because he says couples don’t have secrets” should be taken seriously. The point is not to panic over every teenage conflict, but to assess whether there is a pattern of dominance, fear, or restriction of freedom.
The key isn't in an isolated incident, but in its repetition and the effect it produces. All couples can argue. Everyone can feel insecure at some point. But when a relationship causes a woman to lose her freedom, feel constantly guilty, or fear her partner's reaction, we're dealing with a situation that requires attention.
The role of boys: to also educate on healthy masculinities
Talking about gender-based violence in teenage relationships doesn't mean labeling all boys as aggressors. It means acknowledging that models of masculinity still exist that teach some boys to relate to others through dominance, possessiveness, or a sense of superiority. And above all, it means recognizing that prevention also involves working with them.
Many teenagers have grown up receiving contradictory messages. On the one hand, they hear speeches about equality. On the other, they continue to be exposed to role models who associate masculinity with control, emotional toughness, sexual competitiveness, or the need to demonstrate power. In some groups, controlling one's partner can even be seen as a form of self-affirmation. The boy who "lets his girlfriend do what she wants" is ridiculed, while the one who boasts about dominating the relationship is praised.
It's crucial to teach children that a relationship isn't built on surveillance, but on trust. That feeling jealous doesn't justify control. That an emotion doesn't excuse harmful behavior. That one's own insecurity should be addressed, not projected onto a partner. That no one has the right to demand passwords, monitor conversations, dictate clothing choices, exert sexual pressure, or decide who another person can associate with.
Sex education must include a deep reflection on consent, respect, equality, and emotional management. It's not enough to simply say "don't control." We must help people understand what lies behind the need to control, how to build a healthy relationship, how to manage jealousy, how to communicate discomfort without aggression, and how to accept that the other person has their own life.
It's also important to work on group responsibility. Many violent behaviors persist because the environment tolerates, minimizes, or even celebrates them. Friends may laugh at sexist comments, justify controlling attitudes, or turn a blind eye to humiliating behavior. Educating boys also involves teaching them not to be complicit, to question these dynamics, and to intervene when they detect harmful behavior in their group.
Families and professionals: supporting without intruding
When a family or professional suspects that a teenager may be in an abusive relationship, the approach is crucial. An overly harsh reaction can provoke rejection. Simply forbidding the relationship, taking away the phone, insulting the partner, or pressuring the girl to break up immediately can cause her to withdraw, hide more information, or defend the relationship even more.
Support should combine firmness and care. Firmness to name what is happening and not normalize control. Care to avoid blaming the teenager or making her feel naive or responsible. It is important to convey that what she is experiencing is not healthy love, but also that she is not alone and can speak without fear.
Open-ended questions are often more helpful than accusations. Instead of saying, “Your boyfriend is abusive and you have to leave him,” it can be more effective to ask: “How do you feel when he gets angry?”, “Have you stopped doing things you used to enjoy to avoid problems?”, “Do you feel you can be yourself in the relationship?”, “Are you afraid to tell him about certain plans?”, “Do you feel free?”. These questions allow the teenager herself to begin examining the relationship.
It's also important to strengthen her support network. Violence tends to isolate. That's why rebuilding relationships with friends, family, trusted educators, or professionals can be an essential part of the process. The teenager needs to feel that she has other spaces, other perspectives, and other forms of support beyond her partner.
In educational, protection, or social intervention settings, professional teams must have clear protocols for detection and action. It's not just about addressing cases when violence is already evident, but about creating preventative spaces where healthy relationships, consent, social media, jealousy, control, and self-esteem can be discussed. Prevention cannot be reduced to a single talk on November 25th. It must be part of ongoing emotional education.
The importance of naming violence without blaming
Naming violence is essential. If it isn't named, it becomes invisible. But naming it doesn't mean hastily labeling or imposing a narrative that the adolescent can't yet accept. Often, the process of becoming aware is gradual. First comes discomfort. Then doubt. Later, the identification of specific behaviors. Finally, the understanding that the relationship was harmful or violent may emerge.
During this process, language matters. Telling a girl “how could you let that happen” or “I warned you” can increase her shame. And shame is a huge barrier to asking for help. In contrast, messages like “what you’re going through happens to many girls,” “it’s not your fault,” “no one has the right to control you,” or “we can find help together” open a door.
Gender-based violence among adolescents should not be addressed with sensationalism or alarmism, but rather with a sense of educational responsibility. We must avoid both minimization and paralyzing dramatization. Minimizing prevents action. Dramatizing without support can generate fear or inaction. The key is to help identify, protect, repair, and prevent gender-based violence.
It's also important to keep in mind that a teenager may return to her partner after having disclosed serious situations. This doesn't mean she lied or that she doesn't need help. It's part of the complexity of many abusive relationships. Emotional dependence, fear, the hope for change, and social pressure can make the breakup anything but straightforward. That's why support should continue even when the girl makes decisions that adults don't understand or agree with.
Educating children about healthy relationships.
Preventing gender-based violence in teenage relationships doesn't begin when the first relationship occurs. It begins much earlier, in the way we educate about the body, boundaries, emotions, equality, and respect.
From childhood, children can be taught that no one has the right to invade our space, that saying "no" is legitimate, that caring is not controlling, and that loving someone does not mean obeying them. They can also be taught co-responsibility, empathy, and peaceful conflict resolution. Children learn not only from what they are told, but also from what they see. They observe how adults treat each other, how tasks are divided, how disagreements are handled, how men and women are discussed, and how emotions are validated or ridiculed.
During adolescence, this education needs to be more explicit. We must talk about relationships, desire, consent, boundaries, social media, pornography, peer pressure, and online violence. Avoiding these topics doesn't protect teenagers; it leaves them vulnerable to much more powerful and readily available narratives, many of which are deeply sexist or distorted.
Educating for healthy relationships means teaching that a partner shouldn't fill a void, but rather accompany a life that already has value. That trust isn't demonstrated by surrendering intimacy. That love doesn't demand constant proof. That a relationship can end, and that doesn't make anyone a failure. That conflicts are discussed, not imposed. That the other person's freedom isn't a threat, but an essential condition for a healthy bond.
To love cannot mean to lose oneself
Gender-based violence in teenage relationships compels us to examine closely the earliest forms of love. Not to control the emotional lives of adolescents, but to better support them. Not to instill fear, but to offer tools. Not to deny the intensity of their emotions, but to help them distinguish between intensity and harm.
A teenage girl who's constantly worried about her partner's anger isn't in a healthy relationship. A girl who changes her style, withdraws from her friends, or gives out her passwords for fear of an argument isn't being cared for; she's being controlled. A boy who feels the need to monitor, impose his will, or pressure others isn't showing love; he's exerting power.
The educational challenge lies in dismantling these misconceptions. It means repeating, as often as necessary, that jealousy is not a sign of love, that control is not protection, that possession is not commitment, and that violence doesn't always begin with physical violence. Sometimes it starts with "I don't like you going out," with "send me your location," with "if you loved me, you would do it.".
In response, families, schools, professionals, and the community have a shared responsibility: to create spaces where adolescents can talk about their relationships without fear, review their ideas about love, recognize warning signs, and build bonds based on equality.
Because love shouldn't mean losing freedom. Love shouldn't diminish a person. Love shouldn't be frightening. And if a relationship demands you stop being yourself to maintain it, then it's not love: it's control.
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