By Javier Alés
How many times have I felt in a mediation, like that tailor who has been commissioned more than once to create a custom-made suit and through it make true "seams of the soul".
When we talk about Mediation, the profession that captivated me many years ago (the reader should not forget that I started in Seville in 1992), the first thing I understood was that through it I would learn how to create a "tailor-made suit" for those people who, due to life's circumstances, had experienced all kinds of "breaks" and "tears" in their human relationships.
And my first question was always: why is mediation more of a craft than a technique?
We must keep in mind that when we work in mediation, we tailor any "garment" with the "fabrics you choose", from the choice of fabric to its final presentation on a mannequin, with a handcrafted cut, to your liking, according to the time of year, height, weight, hair color, type... of that mediator who comes to our workshop.
The important thing is that the suit is custom-made and fits the person who orders it perfectly. That's why we can talk about tailoring as a collaborative process, involving measurements, sizes, and all kinds of fittings. Ultimately, it's tailoring for the whole family, handcrafted with attention to every detail, always based on what each person chooses and likes. And all this with the humility of a dressmaker, whose credit belongs to the person who commissions the suit, when, after wearing it, they tell their friends, "Have you seen the suit I bought?"
I feel like a fashion designer and a mediator, so I ask myself, DO WE ALL REALLY COME IN SIZES S, M, L, XL, OR XXL? That would mean there are only five types of people, and nothing could be further from the truth. We could say there are as many sizes as there are people in the world, as many mediations as there are conflicts. It's true that some brands have already released sizes XS and even XXXL, but it doesn't matter if it's five or seven.
But how have tailoring and mediation evolved?
I believe that, in its evolution, it has acquired sufficient skills and knowledge to expand its business lines: industrial garment manufacturing, alterations for all types of clothing, dressmaking, tailoring, sales and rental of formal and protocol attire, and the professional clothing division. We have moved from natural mediation, which has always been practiced, to professional mediation. That's why, in our beginnings, we all (lawyers, psychologists, educators, social workers, criminologists, etc.) knew how to mediate in a limited way, but society today demands true "dressmakers" in the truest sense—professional mediators who know how to work, create a pattern, schedule, and ultimately transform what is flexible (which it will always be) into a perfectly structured work process.
But, we consider TRUST IN YOUR TAILOR absolutely essential.
It also comes to mind, like in the story of the "Emperor's New Clothes," that if the parties do not show sufficient good faith and cooperation, mediation is useless because the "suit is invisible" and when they put it on, they actually find themselves "naked" before their trust and the agreement they reach.
You remember: “Once upon a time, there was an Emperor who cared so much about his clothes that he commissioned a new suit from two rogues who promised to make him one from a fabric so special that only those who weren't fools or unworthy of their position could see it. But they only hoarded the gold and rich materials they received, while pretending to weave. When the Emperor's advisors went to see the tailors, they were afraid of being taken for fools and returned praising the suit greatly. The same thing happened with everyone who visited them, and with the Emperor himself, who, when the suit was finished, didn't hesitate to take off his clothes. And he went to the parade dressed in his invisible fabrics, which were also praised by all the people. Until a child shouted amid laughter, 'The Emperor is naked!' and everyone, including the Emperor, realized the deception and the ridiculousness of their actions.«.
That's why when I talk to you about tailors, I'm referring to the necessary trust in the mediator, in what mediation entails and the process we're going to follow, and that can only be achieved by working with good materials, with what our clients really want and above all with trust between them and us.
That's why I ask myself, why recommend mediation? Why recommend a tailor-made suit? Because we need time, to think about what we "like," and not so much go to a prefabricated suit, from a store where we'll try to make it fit us, based on what they offer already made (a simile I like to compare to the pre-prepared judgments handed down by judges in a lawsuit. Or else, how many times have we been asked in our office... how much is a normal child support payment in a divorce if my child is 3 years old? What do the judges say?)
A sewing workshop requires specialized training, as it is presented as a workshop where topics essential for effective development are covered: Introduction to conflict resolution: the nature and structure of conflict and the most common attitudes towards it; Positive conflict management; and the practical application of tools as an involved party. This is where our training as tailors of human relations comes in, a training that the International Mediation School (EIM) so carefully cultivates in its students.
But I don't want to forget that we work with people, and therefore we also have to understand that, although it's a process, we have to KNOW HOW TO RECYCLE OUR FEELINGS, what I like to call the SEAMS OF THE SOUL.
In most of our wardrobes, we keep clothes we haven't worn in a long time, but that we don't want to throw away because they're still new or, although some parts are worn, others are in good condition. That's why in this workshop we'll also talk about giving these clothes a "second chance" with a little imagination and a lot of enthusiasm.
Ultimately, we can manage a conflict to resolve it, but above all, to transform it.
This can only be achieved if we know how to create a good pattern. And of course, to recycle and save, we must heed the saying "He who saves, finds"; thus, we will explore the people in conflict, but always with the intention of finding the point of connection that can make them "recognize" each other through the mediation process.
To conclude this article, which comes from the very depths of my work, all that remains is to encourage you…to sew
Patience, dedication, doing what one likes and what one is good for, and ultimately… that our work is rewarded with the usefulness of our “suit” and with the “sightliness” of its use because “it suits the mediator well” because we never forget the satisfaction of the mediator, that tailor, who is also fundamental.
Javier Alés, Tailor by Profession
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