High parental conflict

Differences and conflicts are part of our relationships. When these are not managed adequately, confrontational situations arise in which verbal violence and negative attitudes or behaviors may appear.

In cases of family breakdown, separation, divorce or annulment, the balance of the family system is broken and that is when the boundaries between the different members of the system become distorted, interfering with family functioning and, therefore, with the needs that children require.

Many couples manage to redesign their lives, exercise a parenting responsible, overcoming obstacles and conflicts that are often inevitable. But others, on the other hand, are unable to accept and adapt to the new situation, modify their form and functions, converting their functioning as system, in inappropriate and dysfunctional.

Characteristics of High Parental Conflict

The High Conflict It occurs when one or both parents actively involve their children in conflicts.

The parents in these cases seek to cause harm to the other parent, whether psychological, economic and/or social, and achieve their goals at all costs. This will imply the judicialization of family life, which in addition to saturating the judicial system with numerous litigations, will prolong the suffering of children and negatively interfere with their development.

He conflict In these cases this chronic, whether on educational guidelines or parental rights. Interactions between parents are hostile, they have serious difficulties in reaching agreements on what is most beneficial for their children and many times they do not even have a means of communication.

In many cases we find false signs of collaboration, obstruction of the bond with one of the parties, whether maternal or paternal, difficulties with parenting, stories of domestic and/or gender violence, as well as false allegations of abuse, abuse or abandonment.

Some of the traits of the parents that we find ourselves in high conflict are:

• Limited ability to handle the breakup.
• Maladaptive personality characteristics.
• Extreme reactivity to criticism.
• Absence of guilt.
• Lack of limits for oneself and/or towards one's children.
• Need to have everything under control.
• Be focused on themselves and their needs.
• Impairment of the ability to see things from another point of view.
• Feeling with the right to do, have, say, etc., without seeing the consequences.
• Use children as witnesses.
• Create role confusion in children.
• Give orders and counterorders to minors.
• Loading children with responsibilities that do not belong to them.
• Victimize your role.
• Etc.

How children are introduced into parental conflict

Strategies to introduce a child into the conflict between members of the couple take various forms.

The most common is to build what we call Conflict of Loyalties. In this case, the children are forced to take sides at a certain moment for one of the parents, which will necessarily involve confronting the other.

Some of the most common and simple ways may be to ask for their opinion on the matter when the person who the answer would affect or could interpret in a negative way is present, and to use children as messengers.

In what we call Triangulation, each parent requires the children to join him against the other. This causes a dysfunctional structure that usually leaves minors paralyzed. Forced to take sides and position themselves with one of the parents, minors adopt one of the “sides” as their own and confront the opposite, always being harmful for them.

Another way of introducing minors into parental conflict is Parentification (Museto, 1980). This concept refers to the role reversal that occurs when children, pushed by the attitude of a parent who presents themselves as a victim or weak in front of the other, end up adopting a role of emotional support for the adult. This causes in minors a emotional overload which will have an impact on their attitude towards custody and stays with the other parent.

How to handle High Conflict

Today the conflict resolution method family members that effectively address High parental conflict is the Coordination of Parenting. This intervention not only reduces the conflict and wear and tear of the parents, also reducing litigation and costs, but it will mainly guarantee the best interests of the children, helping to protect, safeguard and preserve the maternal-paternal relationships. subsidiaries, as long as they are safe, healthy and solid. As well as it will help detect possible situations of abuse that are occurring in the family system.