We mediators agree that the key in mediation It is to return the power of decision to its legitimate owners, the mediated people.
Global society leads us to give in or attack, but it does not prepare us to regulate our emotions, listen, express and reach consensus. Nevertheless, Emotions are the essence of life and are implicit in the human condition. Their immateriality makes it difficult to analyze them, know them, name them and be aware of their effects on our behavior. Emotions are complex responses of the organism that are interesting to know and manage. Where are the emotions? How are they structured? How many? How do emotions work?
The emotion is activated by an event (past, present, future, imaginary, etc.), we automatically make an assessment (risk, an achievement, a threat, etc.), a positive or negative emotional response is activated that predisposes us to Act. Fear makes us flee, anger awakens impulses to attack, sadness makes us want to cry and joy to laugh, etc.
Our challenge as professional conflict managers is act being aware of our emotions and regulate its effects on our actions and our words, as well as, accompany the people mediated in this same process.
Daniel Goleman In his book on emotional intelligence, he tells us “I would like to imagine that one day education will include in its curriculum the teaching of skills as essentially human as self-knowledge, self-control, empathy and the art of listening, resolving conflicts and collaborating with others”
Mentioning education and its study program, a poet who impacted me as a teenage high school student enters my thoughts. I'm talking about Arthur Rimbaud and, in particular, his most famous poem “the drunken ship.” Arthur Rimbaud, immersed in the whirlwind of his emotions and his fall into hell, found peace in words and poetry. Sharing his poem with Paul Verlaine and writing down his emotions and feelings allowed him to calm the storm.
| The drunken ship (fragments) “I have seen the hangovers, the sound storm, the currents, the sleeves -and I know the name of everything-; like a flight of doves to the exalted dawn, and sometimes I have seen what a man thinks he sees. (……) I saw the silver sun, the mother-of-pearl of the sea, the burning sky, horrors stranded in the brown bays and many twisted and giant snakes falling from the trees, with somber fragrances.“ Arthur Rimbaud |
Characteristics of a good mediator
The mediator has a powerful tool: words, language and the elements of communication.. The profession of origin can help to understand the problem, but it is not enough. Mediation requires a solid knowledge of human communication and the universe of emotions. It involves learning and training observation, perception and self-knowledge. We will only discover the attitudes in others if we are able to see our own.
The mediator, with his emotional attentive listening, can help locate, focus the emotions generated by the problem (anger, anxiety, grief, frustration, shame, pride, fear, anguish, uncertainty...) and give them names. The feeling is precisely that emotion made conscious. The feeling must be attended to to generate trust, rescue it, demonstrate empathy and manage it, to facilitate communication. This thought-emotion-action connection It leads us to behavioral-cognitive psychology that describes a circuit that connects thought (ideas, beliefs, assumptions) with emotion (feelings, humor, reactions) and behavior (performance, facts, gestures, manners, expressions).
The mediator cannot ignore that connection and the positive part is that we can investigate that infernal process of emotions, feelings. that people have carried out throughout the conflict. When mediated people distort their communication by giving meanings, reasoning to facts, events or thoughts, we can accompany them in becoming aware of the meaning given to the data and help them turn it around. With this, we will put them in a position to take control of their lives and find a common space from which to agree on a shared interpretation that allows them to take their interests and needs into account.
Fisher, Ury and Patton state that The conflict is not in objective reality but in people's minds. The truth is simply one more argument to address differences. The difference exists, because it exists in their minds. Hopes, even if unfounded, can cause a war. The facts, even if verified, may not contribute anything to the solution of the problem […] Finally, It is reality, as perceived by each party, that constitutes the outcome.
Last conclusions
To conclude first of all, I assert that one of the Essential competencies for a conflict manager are emotional understood as the ability to become aware, understand, express and appropriately regulate emotional phenomena.
Secondly, with equal importance, I claim the power of the word. Speaking is expressing with words what we think, feel, do, imagine or perceive through the senses.. Today we know that the language neurons are intimately connected to neurons responsible for reasoning, regulating emotions, and many other vital functions. The language is an essential part of the command center of the human being.
I end my article with this phrase that perfectly illustrates my conclusions “to Throughout human history, our greatest leaders and thinkers have used the power of words to transform our emotions, to enlist us in their causes, and to shape the course of destiny.. Words not only create emotions, they also create actions, and from our actions flow the results of our lives.” Tony Robbins, 2000.
My name is Blanca Barredo, author of this post and teacher at the International School of Mediation, if you are interested in learning more about it you can visit my LinkedIn profile by clicking on this link.
Bibliography of interest
Bisquerra,R. (2016). 10 key ideas Emotional education. Barcelona Graó.
Rojas Marcos,L. (2019) We are what we speak. The therapeutic power of talking and talking to us. Barcelona Grijalbo.
Bisquerra, R. (5th edition 2020) Universe of emotions Barcelona. PalauGea Edition The labyrinth of words and emotions in mediation.
